I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
