my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
