I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
