I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
