and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
