I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
