I wish my penis had an off switch
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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