those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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