The maid of honor just puked.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
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