I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
