We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
