I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
