I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
