oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
