i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
