He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
