sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dicks are not precious.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
