first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
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Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I still have a little drunk in my system
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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