Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
