yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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