i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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