Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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