Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
