Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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