I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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