You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
there is glitter all over my balls
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