I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
