Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
