Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
