I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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