How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
