im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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