i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
