Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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