I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
