I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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