The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
