dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.