how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
