these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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