Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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