this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
