Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
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If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm really busy with my period
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