just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
