I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I touched a dick in church today
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
