Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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