Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
