my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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