literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
