New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
