I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
