Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
