don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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