You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
