If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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