Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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