i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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