Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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